Destiny or God?

I’m a strong believer in “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

I just finished typing a up a piece on understanding backwards but living forwards. After 20 minutes of writing, I posted it and it disappeared. All I could find was the Kierkegaard quote I posted with it. I could’ve been upset about this but the way I see it: if it was meant to be posted, it would have been. So, I’ll just accept that my words are lost in time. Perhaps their purpose was for me to express, not publicize.

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In the past, I’ve found myself trying to save relationships, clinging on to any hope of keeping the fire alive. Looking back I think: Why? if that man were supposed to love me, if that girl was to be my friend, in time he/she will be, without me orchestrating a master plan. Though the world may stomp their feet and pout, if I’m meant to be with AJ’s father again, it’s going to happen on its own. If Rhode Island is where I am meant to “sow my oats” then nothing I do will stop that.

This is how I live my life now. I let things happen on their own. I only have control of myself and my actions so I focus on that and forget the world. I wish more women could be this way, instead of clinging to nonexistent relationships for validation. A man is supposed to love who you already are and who you are destined to be, not what he wants you to be. Oh, he likes blondes but you’re a brunette? Chances are he isn’t for you. FOCUS.

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Is it destiny that controls our movements in life? Is it God? That’s based on your beliefs. No matter what they are, you believe in a purpose, a final destination in which you are directed. Just live, be yourself and you will get there whether you read books, play video games or design clothes. Do not compromise your beliefs for someone you’re interested in. Mr. Right won’t ask that of you so why sacrifice for Mr. Not Right?

I, for one, love writing though I do not think I’m very good. I love reading, being in school and when I love, I love HARD. Prefer my hair straightened but rather not take the time out to do it. Love dressing up but everyday is asking for too much. A man exists that will love all these features and a man exists that will love all of yours.

 

Be patient.

xoxo 

Heart

I am a single mother. Though sometimes its hard and mostly rewarding, there is one thing I miss.

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Its not the companion.
Not the sex.
I miss having someone who makes my heart beat frantically in distress. Looking into someone’s eyes that oh so powerfully leave you breathless.

I don’t know when I’ll have that feeling but I sure hope to feel it again someday.

May 8 – Field Day

Today, my sister’s school had a field day. It’s day where the school doesn’t have class and instead they plan outdoor activities for all the students and their families. It’s lots of fun. My mother & I love getting into the spirit of things so we bought Field Day shirts to match the students and I bought AJ some sporty clothes! He was mega adorable.

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Why are T-shirts so unflattering?! Lol

AJ had never been to a park/field nor is he ever around other kids so seeing ALL the kids on the field, surrounded by grass, THRILLED him. We literally had the stroller around for nothing. He wanted to chase after kids and enjoy his freedom. & hang out with my mom! Lol!

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Now, AJ doesn’t walk on his own. He CAN but he wont. He doesn’t trust himself enough to do it. Today was a different story. ALL he wanted was to walk around on his own. It was amazing.

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We had so much fun cheering for my sister while she danced and competed in outdoor games. I chased after AJ all day and we played in the grass for a little while too. It was great to see him so happy.

In the two hours we were there, we even got a little tan!

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As Field day was coming to a close, it began to rain so we packed up and AJ went with my mom so I could head to class.

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Today just makes me want to take AJ to the park more often & Im definitely going to try and make that happen this summer. I want us to have outdoor time and not be stuck inside. NEW GOAL! Lol

After a great morning/afternoon, I had to finish a psychological portfolio which took me hours to do. I didn’t like being away from AJ after all that fun but I know its a bittersweet sacrifice for him. He will always be my motivation.

Signing off…..

Xoxo Vannessa

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Thoughts at midnight

I used to be submissive.
I used to settle.

Now, I struggle with myself because I don’t want to submit. I don’t want to settle.

Why should I?

I am capable of so many things. If I should struggle, why not struggle on my own? Why struggle with you?

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What can you offer my son that I cannot?

What can you bring to this team?

If the answer is nothing, if the answer is remotely selfish, you have no business here. The only love allowed here is UNCONDITIONAL. Deal-breaker.

I will wait as long I need to.
I will be self-sufficient and self-actualizing.

We all need a partner, not a burden.

Are you ready?

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Signed,
A whole lot of woman with immense potential, deserving of the moon, the stars and a constantly self-actualizing individual.

P.S. A wise person once told me you cant do better once you’ve had the best. You’ve got something to prove because I’ve seen best.