Life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forwards. – Søren Kierkegaard
I am a single mother. Though sometimes its hard and mostly rewarding, there is one thing I miss.
Its not the companion.
Not the sex.
I miss having someone who makes my heart beat frantically in distress. Looking into someone’s eyes that oh so powerfully leave you breathless.
I don’t know when I’ll have that feeling but I sure hope to feel it again someday.
Today, my sister’s school had a field day. It’s day where the school doesn’t have class and instead they plan outdoor activities for all the students and their families. It’s lots of fun. My mother & I love getting into the spirit of things so we bought Field Day shirts to match the students and I bought AJ some sporty clothes! He was mega adorable.
AJ had never been to a park/field nor is he ever around other kids so seeing ALL the kids on the field, surrounded by grass, THRILLED him. We literally had the stroller around for nothing. He wanted to chase after kids and enjoy his freedom. & hang out with my mom! Lol!
Now, AJ doesn’t walk on his own. He CAN but he wont. He doesn’t trust himself enough to do it. Today was a different story. ALL he wanted was to walk around on his own. It was amazing.
We had so much fun cheering for my sister while she danced and competed in outdoor games. I chased after AJ all day and we played in the grass for a little while too. It was great to see him so happy.
As Field day was coming to a close, it began to rain so we packed up and AJ went with my mom so I could head to class.
Today just makes me want to take AJ to the park more often & Im definitely going to try and make that happen this summer. I want us to have outdoor time and not be stuck inside. NEW GOAL! Lol
After a great morning/afternoon, I had to finish a psychological portfolio which took me hours to do. I didn’t like being away from AJ after all that fun but I know its a bittersweet sacrifice for him. He will always be my motivation.
I used to be submissive.
I used to settle.
Now, I struggle with myself because I don’t want to submit. I don’t want to settle.
Why should I?
I am capable of so many things. If I should struggle, why not struggle on my own? Why struggle with you?
What can you offer my son that I cannot?
What can you bring to this team?
If the answer is nothing, if the answer is remotely selfish, you have no business here. The only love allowed here is UNCONDITIONAL. Deal-breaker.
I will wait as long I need to.
I will be self-sufficient and self-actualizing.
We all need a partner, not a burden.
Are you ready?
A whole lot of woman with immense potential, deserving of the moon, the stars and a constantly self-actualizing individual.
P.S. A wise person once told me you cant do better once you’ve had the best. You’ve got something to prove because I’ve seen best.
I’ve begun writing my first book.
Let the crazy begin.
Not much time to post so just pictures.
Easter was fabulous with family. I will admit though, it felt as though something was missing. Hope you all enjoyed your Easter. I’ve decided on a new beginning, focusing on me and whatever I want. No more comparisons or self-pity. My life is mine to live. Xoxo
Hello to all my lovely neglected followers:
Just a few thoughts before bed:
I want to say how happy I am to see my friends and family happy. It warms my heart to see them graduating from college this year, helping their children blossom into amazing human beings and finding themselves along the way.
Sometimes I become intimidated and I feel bad because I’m only halfway through college or because I don’t have the time to teach AJ and play with him. I sometimes blame myself because he wont walk! But I try not to think that way because I know it isn’t easy to work two jobs, be a student and be a single mom.
AJ, honey, someday you’ll read this and I want you to know everything I do is a temporary sacrifice for your well-being. I may not have the time to teach you colors or take you to a park right now. I may not have my own place or a decent salary. But Someday I will and I will do everything in my power to make you so happy. I love you so much and we’re going to be just fine.
Signing off, Mama V.